We hope the following questions and answers help. If you have any questions you feel should appear on this list then let us know and we will be happy to add them on for you.
Where do you go if you have a sexually transmitted disease?
Is there a cure for being gay?
The condom split, have I got AIDS?
I am being discriminated at work, what can I do?
What could be the consequences of not having safe sex?
My friend has told me he is gay what do I say to them?
My mates gay he’s just got beaten up who can I tell?
What is the best way to deal with homophobic bullying?
How do I tell my husband/wife I am gay?
I’ve just come out where can I go?
I believe my son/daughter is gay should I broach the subject and how do I do it?
I’m married and I’m attracted to other men, what should I do? Am I alone?
I’ve been with my boyfriend/girlfriend for two years we want to get married - can we?
Q
Where do you go if you have a sexually transmitted disease?
A
If you think you have a sexually transmitted disease and do not feel as though you can go to your GP, there are many genito urinary medicine (GUM) clinics locally where you can be anonymous. They will give you the support and help that you and your partner need. For more information on gum clinics contact us.
Q
Is there a cure for being gay?
A
You may have read some peoples theory that 'being gay' is an abnormality which can be corrected. You have to understand that being gay is not an abnormality its all about being you. Do you want to change yourself? If you do then you must ask the question Why? Deal with the issues that bother you. The way you feel about yourself being gay may well be the result of all the negativity constantly been hurled at us simply because we are gay. You might want to contact us to talk through your feelings with one of our trained volunteers.
Q
The condom split, have I got AIDS?
A
Condoms rarely split and only tend to do so when not put on properly or the wrong kind of lube or not enough lube is used. Condoms help to protect you from getting or passing on sexually transmitted infections (STI's), which also include HIV. If a condom splits it does not automatically mean that you will become HIV+ firstly the person wearing the condom has to be HIV+ in order for you to be exposed to the infection, you may be at risk of other infections if they are present. The person wearing the condom is the one at least risk from the condom splitting. If this happens to you and you need to put your mind at rest then you need to make an appointment for your local GUM clinic to have a screening. The biggest to remember here are that you both know how to put on a condom and what condom to use and the use of a water based lubricant. For more information on gum clinics contact us.
Q
I am being discriminated at work, what can I do ?
A
Since December 2003 it has been illegal to discriminate against anyone at work on grounds of their sexuality. If you feel you are being discriminated at work you can get help and support from your union. You can also get help and support from ACAS who offer advise via a telephone helpline 08457474747 and on their website. The TUC also has information available. A complainant can submit a questionnaire to their employer regarding the event and it can be used as evidence at a tribunal. It is a good idea to keep a record of events as evidence, because if you decide to take your employer to tribunal the onus is on you to prove that you have been treated differently than other workers on grounds of your sexuality. Once you have proven this the onus then falls on to your employer to prove that they have not. This could be very difficult for most employers as they do not keep adequate records at this time. Complaints under the new regulations have to be submitted within three months of the act of discrimination, six months for a county court. For more information contact us.
Q
What could be the consequences of not having safe sex?
A
There is no such thing as safe sex, you can have safer sex, and so using a condom during penetrative sex is much safer than not using one at all. If you have penetrative sex without using a condom then you stand a far greater risk of passing or catching a sexually transmitted infection (STI). Having un safe sex is not a good idea and although you may have not used a condom in the past and think that you are ok you may well have an infection that you can pass on to others, as you may not have noticed any symptoms and therefore thought that you did not have any infections. STI's and HIV left untreated or undetected can cause you problems later in life and with HIV you will go on to develop AIDS.Everybody has their own level of what is safe for them and negotiation within relationships is very important so that you both feel as safe as you wish to be. For more information on safer sex contact us.
Q
My friend has told me he is gay what do I say to them?
A
If this person is truly your friend then it should make no difference, imagine how much respect that person has for you as he/she is sharing something really personal by telling you more about their sexual orientation. Maybe you do not agree with it, but remember it's not about you but more about your friendship. As a true friend, you would be accepting them for who they are and by doing that they have already proved to you how much they do respect and trust you as a true friend. Do you feel you maybe letting your friend down by not accepting them for who they are? If you do not approve of their sexual orientation, it's your own personal issue and should not be relevant to you friendship, should it? By coming out to you only proves how much your friendship means to them and the trust they have placed in your hands, its best to be honest and stand by your friend when they really need to be accepted for who they are. You might want to contact us to talk through your feelings with one of our trained volunteers.
Q
My mates gay he’s just got beaten up who can I tell?
A
If your mate has been beaten up because he is gay then this is a hate crime. The police have a zero tolerance policy to this and it would be a good idea if you could encourage your mate to report it. Every London borough has a community safety unit set up to deal with this type of crime staffed with specially trained officers guaranteed to treat the situation in confidentiality and with sensitivity. The police guarantee to talk in person within 24hrs at the police station or at the persons own home if that is more comfortable. They will also put your mate in touch with other support agencies.They will take the persons wishes into account when deciding what action to take. If your mate does not feel like he can go to the police. There are other places where these crimes can be reported which is known as third party reporting. This means that the incident can be reported anonymously if the person does not feel confident enough to report it but it allows the crime to be recorded so that the extent of homophobic crime can be understood. Outline can record third party crimes for people if they contact us and wish us to. They can also be reported online at Stophatecrime.
Q
What is the best way to deal with homophobic bullying?
A
Bullying is a form of abuse, one of the reasons that it can occur is because you are "different" in one way or another. The abuse can range from name calling to physical violence or worse. Bullies target individuals often because they are trying to hide their own inadequacies. Bullies often use a persons sexual orientation to exploit an individuals vulnerability to their own advantage. As a target of this type of abuse you may feel frightened, embarrassed or guilty - this reaction is quite normal although these feelings are misplaced. In most cases the best way to deal with verbal abuse is to simply ignore it, if the bully doesn't get the reaction he/she craves they soon tire.
If you are experiencing homophobic bullying you may find it difficult to speak to family/colleagues/friends & they in turn may find it difficult to stand by you.
If you want to speak to someone in confidence you contact us. Remember you are not alone and do not have to put up with this type of behaviour from any individuals.
Q
How do I tell my husband/wife I am gay?
A
Try to think your feelings and thoughts through first as you may have to be prepared to answer difficult questions. Allow time to talk as it could be quite a shock for your husband/wife. Be prepared for the fact that they may not take it well and it could be a very distressing situation for both of you. It has the potential to instantly change your personal circumstances so try to ensure that you have good support. If you want to talk it through with an independent objective listener you can always contact us.
Q
I’ve just come out where can I go?
A
If you have recently or are in the process of coming to terms with your sexuality and, perhaps, have made the first steps in coming out to friends or relatives, you may be thinking, “Where can I go to meet other gay or lesbian people like me?”.
For those under the age of 19 who are too young or not particularly keen on going to a gay bar or nightclub, you could consider joining a local gay, lesbian and transgender youth group. These groups are a good place to meet people in similar situations to you, in a safe and friendly environment. If you are a little nervous or shy, you can ask the group leader if a friend or member of the family can join you the first time you attend a group meeting. If you are over the age of 18 or 21, you might like to try a gay or gay friendly pub or nightclub. For some, pubs and nightclubs are a great place to meet other gay or lesbian people and, for others, somewhere just to meet your friends and have a bit of fun. Depending on where you live, you may be lucky enough to choose from a number of establishments which cater for different tastes. It can be a bit nerve racking, the first time you go into a new pub or club, but once you've been there for the first time, things will hopefully become a bit easier.
For those with a hobby or interest, there may be a gay or lesbian group which caters for your needs. There are special interests, outdoor and sports groups which cater for such things as walking, tennis, badminton, swimming, singing, cycling, writing, dancing, cricket, rowing, sailing, etc. There are a number of voluntary organisations similar to Outline which are always looking for new volunteers. If you are keen to do your bit for the gay and lesbian community, maybe you could try calling your local group for details of how you could help. You can find details of your local group, pub, club, sports group or voluntary organizations by checking the listings towards the back of magazines such as Gay Times, Attitude or Diva or by searching on the web. If you have any trouble in finding what you need contact us.
Q
I believe my son/daughter is gay should I broach the subject and how do I do it?
A
No you should not its not for you to 'out' your son/daughter if he/she seems to engineer conversation around gay issues a lot them that may be an invitation to discuss the issue and a good time to bring up the question if it seems appropriate, otherwise all you can do is create a loving safe environment in the home where your children can always feel confident about talking about any issues even the most intimate ones. Contact us for details of organisations that work with families of LGBT people.
Q
I’m married and I’m attracted to other men, what should I do? Am I alone?
A
This situation is not as uncommon as you may think. Within our society we do not talk about this particular subject because we do not think that it exists. You will hear the expression “well if he is married how can he suddenly change his sexuality and become gay”, what is often the case is that men have got married in the hope of suppressing their gay feelings, and this works for a while, but then they realise these feelings are not going away and then they do not who to turn to for advice and support. It is not as if you can turn your best mate and say I think that I am gay what should I do? In surrey as in other parts of the country there is something called a Married Men's Group, this is a safe space for men to meet who are married or in relationships with women but attracted to or having sex with other men. The purpose of the group is to provide a supportive environment for men to meet with other men who are in a similar situation to themselves and to talk about what is important to them, and to learn from others experiences and to give their experiences to those who are new to the group, peer support no two relationships are the same, but knowledge and information are exchanged for those wanting support (This group is not a dating group). What has come from the group is that men have felt as though they belong and are not freaks or outcasts but that there are other men who feel the same way that they do and therefore helps reduce the feelings of isolation. For more information on the group contact us.
Q
My boyfriend/girlfriend wants to get married - can we?
A
Same sex couples can now have a civil partnership ceremony which affords them almost all the same rights and responsibilites as heterosexual marriages. The first Civil Partnerships took place just before Christmas 2005, with the government announcing an official implementation date of December 5th 2005.
A guide to civil partnerships is abailble at Directgov
